Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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