He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
