just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize