i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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