The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
