Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
