Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
