Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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