Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize