if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
