Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
