dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize