is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
