32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
