I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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