I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
