Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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