Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
