I feel like I'm in dance class right now
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
