I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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