broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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