Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize