I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
