We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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