At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he was CRYING into my vagina
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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