The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
