What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
