I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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