also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Operation Purity has been aborted
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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