Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
