We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
