yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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