I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
