Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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