I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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