I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
