He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
