I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize