Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
