dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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