at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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