M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
