I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
