How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
