Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
