please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
