Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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