i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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