everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
