Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
