The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i love accidental penises.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize