I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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