How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
