True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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