The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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