My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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