u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
