Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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