So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
