I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
